Day 64

I showed my husband the two lists: a) almost all men like..., and b) almost all men dislike..., and DH chose the following 2 things from each list:

His two most important things, the two from the list that most increase his well-being are:

• to live in a nurturing environment, where people feel loved and accepted, and
• to enjoy a health physical relationship

I've got my work cut out for me here. To start, we are not the "typical" American family. I work while he stays at home. We homeschool as well. So I'm not home with SAHM hours for keeping the house orderly and clean...and messy is just not nurturing. Now, he can bust you-know-what when it comes to housework, but he goes in fits and starts. Hiring help is not an option. So, how can I help make this house more of a home? I'm going to re-vamp the chore list so more things get done on a regular basis, and tie it in to computer time for the "old man" and me, and Xbox time for the kids.

The physical relationship can also be a challenge. I know men are hard-wired to want more sex than women. I also know that due to some of my medications, my drive is well...out of gas a lot of time. I think one of the best things I can do in this respect, really, is to get the kids' days and nights back to normal. You see, we live in a two bedroom house with two adults, 3 kids and 3 pets. The only interior door is to the bathroom, and, well, sound carries, KWIM? Part of the problem is that 5 nights a week, I get home at about 11:30 pm, and the kids want to stay up to say howdy. Since we homeschool, it's not like we can't manage the schedules around that. And, darn it, I like to see my kids once in a while.

His two most important things, that detract from his well-being are:

• to feel disrespected, and
  
• putting up with mood swings

Now we've had our problems in our 12 years of marriage (our anniversary is this Saturday). DH deals with bi-polar disorder and I have clinical depression. I take meds. He does not. I need to help him get back on meds and to take my own religiously...sometimes I forget. One doctor suggested I have my thyroid checked out because apparently low thyroid function can trigger some depression by messing with brain chemicals. Anyone who thinks less of us because of these issues...well, that's just too bad. For me, having a 'mental illness' and treating it is no different than someone treating diabetes or cancer with meds. OK, I'll get off my soapbox now. :) Another thing I can do is to speak more about the good that he does than the things that bug me.

I have a fair amount of mood swings, especially if I've not had my anti-depressants for a couple of days or I'm PMS-ing (it's really head-for-the-hills time then). I need to put taking my meds into my morning routine and count-to-ten before I'm tempted to snap at anyone in the family.

If you stay tuned, I'll let you know how things turn out.

Day 15 - Bible Study

Passage: Matthew 6

While you can read the passage above (I selected KJV, but you can adjust to another version if you prefer once you get there), I summarize the passage as follows:

God knows what I need before I do. I need to do good works for the glory of God and not to receive praise from people. Seek first His Kingdom and don't sweat the small stuff.

If we ever needed an example that we can learn from anyone and anything, even if we don't see them as our "equals", this passage provides examples to us of birds and flowers. They don't pray or meditate or worry about clothing and food, but they receive it just the same. They just fulfill their function and everything they need is given to them.

Usually, I say that worrying is one of my best things. Now, worry is NOT a good thing, but judging by the amount of time I spend doing it ... I seem to be rather talented in this regard. I want to rely on God and stop all the worrying. It is not productive. Worrying doesn't do anything for me and doesn't help me get anything done. I need to stop all the useless worry.

There are several commands to follow:

³But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; ...

¹⁷But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; ¹⁸That thou appear not unto men to fast,...

²⁰But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, ...

³¹Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? ³³But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. ³⁴Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I am a pack rat...which is kind of funny if I think about it, because we don't have a lot of stuff (no cell phones, mp3 players, electronics, etc) But I tend to hoard, like having a lot of 'things' around me can make things safer or better. I need to strip away the stuff and just keep the items which can help me and my family. I need to separate the wheat from the chaff. That which is chaff for me might be wheat for someone else. Maybe it can be recycled. If not, it's still got to go.

So, how can I apply Matthew 6 to my life today?

The happy countenance thing is always a challenge for me. And staying close to God, so I don't get tripped up. That should make for a full day.

Day 4 - Daily Page

March 5, 2009

Appointments:
Bluegrass Oakwood (work)
2:45 pm - 11:00 pm

Spiritual Goal for the day: I think I've already met that one. I had TAG time! *YAY*
Physical Goal for the day: I will walk on my first break i/o smoking.
Relational Goal for the day: I will spend 10 minutes talking to each family member (DH, DS1, DS2 and DD) one-on-one.
Personal Goal for the day: I will eat mindfully today.
Ministry Goal for the day: I will talk to one person about this Jumpstart study I am doing.
Financial Goal for the day: I will not buy a cappuccino from the Coffee Shop at work, but rather make myself some coffee in the cottage.

To Do/Tackle:
1. Get the bird droppings off the windshield.
2. Clean my glasses.
3. Clean off my work shoes.
4. Wash my hair.
5. Clean and stock the self-help boxes for my clients at work.
6. Get one co-worker's phone number.

5 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1. God
2. Jesus
3. The Holy Spirit
4. My husband - Chris
5. My oldest son (12 yoa)

Of course, there are other people and things for which I am grateful, but the list said "5", so I'm going to limit myself to that per day.

2 Things I Want to Pray About Today:
1. Courage
2. Finances

At the end of the day, after I get back from work, I will post an update post covering this Daily Page, and my Bible Study post.

Day 4 - Bible Study

I had originally begun to follow a topic index at the back of my Bible, when I was drawn to several verses above it.

JOHN 14
23) Jesus answered and said to him, "I anyone loves Me, he will keep My word: and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.

24) "He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father's who sent Me.

25) "These things I have spoken to you while being present with you.

26) "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.

27) "Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you and not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

28) "You have heard Me say to you, 'I am going away and coming back to you.' If you love Me, you would rejoice because I said, 'I am going to the Father.' for My Father is greater than I.

29) "And now I have told you before it comes, that when it does come to pass, you may believe."

When you love someone, you want to do things to please him (or her). You do things that make them happy and/or bring them honor. How much more so do we want to do things to please and bring honor to God? And how do we feel when we do? Happy, and at peace.

There are a lot of things in my life, as in anyone's life, that create stress. In my family, we deal with physical, mental and developmental issues. Sometimes I hesitate to mention the mental, because there is a prejudice against people with mental health issues in this country. But with God, I do not need to be afraid. It may be that my experiences may help someone else. Therefore I choose to abide in God's love and to not fear the opinions of others.

The Holy Spirit can be with us day by day until such time as we go to live with the Father and Son, or, as in the passage above Jesus and God come to make Their home with the ones who love Them. What a day that will be!

What a great example for us to follow. I copied the scriptures above out of my copy of the Bible (NKJ Version)...smack dab in the middle of God's Word (the Bible). I don't pretend to be a "Bible Scholar" or to know everything. That is why I have this handbook, this set of directions, this 'user's guide to life'. I am to be obedient, to remember, to rejoice, to be at peace, to be unafraid and to believe. Wow...that's a lot. It is no sacrilege to say, "Thank God, I don't have to do it all on my own!"

The error I need to avoid in this is being afraid. I've already mentioned being afraid of the opinions of others. I tend to think the worst first. For example, when I'm at work and see the supervisor and home manager talking in another part of the room, I assume it's about something bad that I've done. How silly is that! I don't want to live in fear anymore.

The command in the passage is two-fold: to remember and to believe. There is a saying that goes, "Those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it." I want to remember God's Word without hesitation or reservation. But in terms of "my past", I want to remember but not be bound by it. When I started college, I was a musical theatre major. At the end of my 1st year, I had to pass an audition. My partner was a 2nd year voice student. I let her choose the scene, which showcased her talents wonderfully. The 2nd year auditions were a week before the 1st year and on the day of her audition, one of the professors came up to me and said, "We'd thought to just do your audition today as well." I was devastated and felt so unprepared - mentally. I performed badly. One of the professors wrote that I should find something else to do because I'd never make it in musical theatre. I was BOUND by that remembrance for 10 years, until I was back in college and literally dragged myself to an audition for "The Importance of Being Ernest", in which I got the part of Lady Bracknell. Six years (and some 25-30 plays) later, I was no longer bound.

Does my fear rise to the level of sin, though? In some ways...yes. Insofar as the fear binds me to living a marginal life, to not "being all I can be", to not being the woman God wants me to be, yes, it is a sin and needs to be forsaken.

How can I apply what I have learned from this passage to my life today?

I want to think about the things I fear ... and make plans and goals on how to conquer these fears. I will write another entry tonight after work with at least some of my list and how things are going. With God on my side, how can I lose?

Day 3

I was walking through WalMart the other day, feeling particularly flush and took a stroll through the book department. There I saw the book "Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be" by Donna Partow.

I joined the Facebook group and am on Day 3 of the 90 day study. By this means I figure I have 88 days left, hence the blog title "Zero to 31 in 88" ... meaning from where I am, I am working towards being a Proverbs 31 woman and I have 88 days left in the Jumpstart program.

My notebook is set up and I have scheduled my TAG, which is an acronym meaning "time alone with God". I did not come up with this, though, but I don't know if it was Donna or someone else. Anyway, there it is.

I started this study because well, obviously something in my life is not working. Take into consideration the clinical depression, homeschooling, working outside the home at a residential facility for adults with MR/DD (mental retardation and developmental disabilities) as sole breadwinner for the family ... it's all wearing a bit thin. I can't do it on my own. I need God.

The second day's challenge was to commit to meeting with God first thing in the morning for 90 days. I don't know if it is because of my work schedule (3-11 pm, 5 rotating days a week), my ability to access the computer (I give DH first shot most of the time) and/or a lack of discipline, but my days and nights rarely start or end at the same time. So what is first thing in the morning one day, might not be first thing in the morning the next day. Please pray for me that I get this sorted out as I want TAG time to be a priority.

There are so many resources available in this study, that I cannot list them all at once, but I'm sure they will come out in the course of this blog. I imagine that the blog will continue even after the 88 days is up, as I intend this to become my blog about faith. I have another blog, called "Back Porchervations", which is my all-purpose blog about life in Kentucky.

One thing that was suggested was to come up with some goals. Here are mine in the various areas listed. I have attempted to make them "S.M.A.R.T." (specific, measurable, ...and I can't remember the rest of the acronym off the top of my head...maybe someone can fill in for me.

By May 31st, 2009, I will:

Faith - I will complete the Jumpstart program. My reward for completing this goal will be to purchase myself a leather-bound Bible with bigger print than the one I have now. (yeah, I'm that old). My DC will be to double my walking time for 90 days.

Family - (we will) be making family-friendly choices in media exposure. Our reward will be to go to a picnic in the Boone National Forest and visit Fort Boonesboro. My/our DC (dire consequence) is to wash the walls of the house inside and out in one day.

Friendship - I have phone #s for my shift co-workers and go out with friends once a week. My reward for accomplishing this goal is have a potluck cookout with my co-worker/friends and their families. My DC is to ground myself for 2 weeks.

Finance - stick to my budget. My reward for accomplishing this goal is to have a date with my husband (without the kids). My DC is to have no recreational media (for hubby & me - no computer, for the kids - no video games) for 2 weeks.

Fitness - do an aerobic workout (walking) 5 days a week for 30 minutes. My reward for accomplishing this goal is to buy a better pair of shoes to walk in. My DC is have DH take a picture of me in a swimsuit.

Fashion - I have a dress that I can go to church in. My reward for accomplishing this goal is to buy a pair of shoes to go with the dress. My DC is to bathe all the residents in my "home" at work for a week (that'd be 35 baths).